Page 45 Review by Stephen
"Ah, Ezio, another page of The Codex! What a surprise. Just this once, you couldn't have brought prosecco and a panini...? No matter, let's see... Hmmm... If I transpose the letters for numbers, the directions for plumbers, and the lint in my belly button for the leaves in my tea... Yessss... It is perfectly clear to me now! It is essential that you assassinate every minstrel in town. You will gain nothing, but I will be rid of my headache.”
I love Assassin’s Creed. After the Baroque, the Italian Renaissance is my favourite era of art history and Venice my most treasured (and visited) city in the world. To scale then dive-bomb off the all the Florentine landmarks was a dream come true. It was certainly one way to conquer my crippling fear of heights, and I could not believe the lighting. On the other hand I quickly developed a Pavlovian reaction to each city’s minstrels: come anywhere near me with a lute and I will garrotte you. You couldn’t commit a worse crime if you’d cried for a team hug. It doesn’t matter if I’m executing the final few seconds of an intricate, fifteen-minute stealth-athon, it’s an emphatic Hey Nonny “No!” from me.
Imagine my relief, then, to enter Constantinople in Assassin’s Creed: Revelations. No minstrels!* Oh, there are the begging women who get in the way and spoil my stride, and I can’t kill them ‘cause they’re laydeez. But see, they’re not strumming and humming the same stupid tune on a loop that makes me see read.
So what do we have here? Ubisoft have reclaimed the Wildstorm mini-series and added an exclusive prologue (which they call an epilogue) to ASSASSIN’S CREED: THE CHAIN which will presumably be published at some point. There’s also a further 28-page section of extras including history, artists’ field research and an unused 3-page sequence featuring Ezio himself before they opted to go with Assassin Nikolai Orelov instead. Following a thwarted attempt to dispatch Tsar Alexander III on his way by train to St. Petersburg (see history lesson), the Mentor dispatches Nikolai to Tunguska in 1908 in search of the Staff of Eden which the Templars are experimenting on using electricity. I repeat: Tunguska, 1908, electricity. Can you spell ‘Nicolas Tesla?’ (“Rot in hell, Thomas!” snarls Tesla, as he pulls the switch - nice touch!) Meanwhile in the year 2000 – and in the run-up to a certain US election – a young drunk called Daniel is plagued by hallucinations: flashes of combat in European languages he can’t comprehend. Discovered one night in a violent rage by a modern-day Assassin’s cell, he’s taken in much against his will. They’re convinced he’s one of them: he has the visions, he has the tattoo… so why is he not on their records?
Me, I’d rather play the computer games than read comicbook franchise spin-offs, but I will say this: the creators have taken the opportunity afforded here to radically depart from the game-play requirements – namely, that you win. Also, it’s the modern-day sequences which are the real attraction and to focus on the American election in which George Bush steals the country from its electorate was damnably clever. I wondered what on earth they were on: surely the writers can’t interfere with history? That’s part of Assassin’s Creed’s charm, that it dovetails so imaginatively with what’s already known. Well, you wait and see, you wait and see.
Mission: read this book on the bus without being spotted, causing a disturbance or missing your stop. For full synchronisation: using your eagle vision, identify the miscreant playing minstrel music on their iPod, gather their headphone wire from behind and silently strangle them. Make sure they’re dead. Seriously, take no chances. Destroy the iPod.
Upgrades available throughout Nottingham City Centre (see map):
a) Protect Page 45 from stumbling junkie theft.
b) Poison anyone playing a penny whistle.
c) Assassinate a traffic warden.
d) Reclaim Nottingham City Council from the tossers currently running it.
e) Investigate why Nottingham’s Mayor is allowed to park on the pavement outside Natwest Bank between 10-30am and 4pm when the whole of the city centre is out of bounds for those legitimately delivering to retailers.
f) Read Page 45’s other game tie-in graphic novel reviews especially SILENT HILL.
g) Blog or Tweet this review to your gaming friends/colleagues.
h) Show me how to successfully defend a den. I’ve not managed it once yet. I’m thinking of trying something more basic first, like Mr. Bob-san’s cat flap. I fear we will have intruders.
For more on Nicolas Tesla, please see Jeff Smith’s masterful science fiction series, RASL. Also, please note: there is no version that is anything other than ‘deluxe’. I think Ubisoft simply added that to the title to distinguish it from the collected edition which Wildstorm solicited but were never allowed to print.
* Big love to whichever customer promised me, further in, a moment of extreme satisfaction. I got there; you weren’t kidding!
