Page 45 Review by Stephen
Bullying explored in fiction by Vachss then explained in reality by Mucha.
If I had only known as a child what I've just learned today then my early teens would have been a whole lot smoother; I have never read anything in my life that has made so much sense as Mucha's detailed essay in the back.
I don't have kids, though obviously I know a fair few: I have some seriously cool second cousins and I work behind a till in what I consider a warm and friendly environment. You get to know people if you can listen long enough. So I'm buying this for a fair few as Christmas presents for parents and teens, and a copy for myself so that if any parents or teenagers want to borrow it from me, for free, all you have to do is ask. I'll keep a list of who wants it next and then let you know when it's back.
Rarely have I been so surprised by a work of fiction, which I could have sworn was heading straight into the territory of sexual abuse, yet nothing could have been further from reality. But then rarely does reality offer you true altruism which is what Pop displays here: altruism, a sense of honour and another chance to get it right.
Young Sean lived with his mother and a succession of unofficial step-fathers: scroungers and parasites his mother took in because having someone younger and good-looking around fulfilled her self-esteem issues. She didn't care if they were piss-head thugs towards Sean - there was too much TV to watch. So no, "brought up by" is not a description I'd use. The last boyfriend was Brian who tried to get Sean to burgle houses for him because he was too much of a coward to do it himself. Sean refused and took the consequent beating. But Brian was the last one because Sean came home to find them both dead.
"The cops said nobody had heard the shots, nobody had seen anything. It was like Nobody came in there and killed them."
This is where, a hair's breath away from being shoved into the system, Brian's father comes in. Through the front door. It's also where I thought the sexual abuse was going to come in for Pop urges Sean to acknowledge him as his grandfather, and does so under his breath. He spirits him away under the watch of the Welfare lady who's simply relieved at fewer forms to fill in. Nor is he some kindly, sentimental old man: he acknowledges his son was both a dosser and tosser, and a total waste of bullying space. He's stern, he's not into anything post-1950, but he has no pretences at being a saint or a cook or a particularly good father, nor does he make emotional demands on Sean. Instead, over the months, he earns Sean's respect with his straightforward candour and respect for Sean's personal privacy. It's the first time the boy's ever had a bedroom. Their first Christmas is interesting.
Make no mistake, though, this is no happy ending, it's just the beginning for the bullying comes next, at school. And it's funny how everyone else just stands round and laughs if it's physical, or sniggers if it's verbal. They're relieved it's not them so condone it instead with their complicity, signalling approval to solicit the bully's own approbation. Keep that ego tank full and maybe its bottomless demand won't make you the next target.
"It didn't hurt me," I said.
"Yeah, it did."
"It didn't, Pop. I didn't cry or --"
"I'm not talking about you taking a beating, son. No man goes through life without catching a few of those. But a beating ain't the same things as being made dirt of. Being humiliated. So don't be telling me it didn't hurt you, 'cause it hurts me. Inside me, it hurts. So I know it hurts you, too. I even know where it hurts."
Yes, bullies require - nay, demand - an audience; otherwise the public humiliation inflicted in order to increase their hegemony is not complete. And this is where both Vachss and Mucha have it so right: the psychology of it all. The difference between a fighter and a bully is that a bully doesn't expect his actions to cost him anything. She or he is never stood up to by their victims or by others in their place, so it costs them nothing.
"Once he finds out it's gonna cost him something, he's going to do his shopping someplace else."
Which sounds a little harsh until you get to the part of standing up for others. Think what would happen if bullies were actually social pariahs rather than almost universally appeased, and chased off the prairie by all.
Pop turns out to be quite ingenious, by the way, his only deception being one that stands Sean in good public (but more importantly personal, self-esteem) stead at the expense of his own reputation. Had Sean known the truth, it would have secured Pop in his affections forever, but some positive actions and their desired effects are more important than being rewarded for them. I think that's the definition of altruism.
And so it is that we come to Zak Mucha's contribution where he punctures the prevalent notion that bullies have low self-esteem. No. They have a disproportionately high opinion of themselves and little regard for others: their desire for self-gratification comes well above any pain they inflict on others. And the victims of emotional abuse, made to feel as if they're in the wrong for being bullied. "Must be something wrong with me if I'm being picked on" - coming to a cyberspace near you! Adjusting your own behaviour to accommodate or mollify the bullies.
"That perceived lack of worth is evidenced in the victim's dismissal of his pain: the victim learns to not trust his own feelings. He ignores his own flushes of rage and shamefully swallows words he wished could be spoken. Never feeling safe from criticism or safe to tell the truth, the victim remains vigilant for the slightest sign of disapproval, waiting for the whisper of collusion among peers..."
Basically, it erodes individuality. Enforces conformity to the bullies' point of view.
"None of this is done in the light of day. The injuries start off as testing measures, small slights, ignored phone calls, text messages, and blog entries. The attacks are sweet-voiced whispers in a world where a "friend" qualifies with one mouse-click and an attack spreads like a virus through an entire social network, becoming both spectator sport and Internet mob action.
"If the victim defends herself or "confronts" the aggressor, the recriminations being: "Well, it's not like she hit you," "Oh, you're too emotional," "You shouldn't feel like that," or "That's not what I meant." This is a vital component of the culturally acceptable bullying: the victim is at fault for misunderstanding the acts of the aggressor.
"The victim feels guilty for making the aggressor angry, even guiltier for feeling his own anger. The victim dislikes himself for being in pain, then uses that pain as proof he is inadequate. The injury, he is told, consists of "only words"."
Tip of the analytical iceberg, I swear. I finally understood the term passive-aggressive too and, in this context, narcissism.
The art puts me in mind of Ashley Wood. It provides atmosphere more than anything else because the illustrations unfortunately aren't integrated with the words, but you can't always have everything and I can't think of anything that deserves a wider audience more than a book like this.
Andrew Vachss is a child abuse lawyer acclaimed for his writing all over the place including here (see HARD LOOKS in particular; no review, sorry, read it twenty years ago); Zak Mucha, LCSW, is the supervisor of an Assertive Community Treatment programme, providing services to persons suffering severe psychiatric and substance-abuse disorders in Chicago.
