“Okay, the task of sending this particular Page 45 Mailshot into your computers has been left to me this evening, and although Mark’s left me detailed instructions, I’d like to apologise in advance if it arrives in Chinese, triplicate or betamax format.”

Back in July 2005 I wasn’t making that up, so whatever failings I’ve found over the years in others’ comicbook offerings, please remember this: I’m thicker than a Marvel Omnibus, thinner on technological knowledge than your average microchip, and well overdue for being put out to pasture.

I can, however, discern the difference between “ground-breaking” and a vague tilt of the hoe, so corporate spin-doctors beware for I will take particular umbrage at your self-serving shennanigans. If you want a flavour of what’s in store, try this on El Niño :

“El Niño, of course, is the name for the massive warming of coastal waters around South America, resulting in freakish storms, shifts in currents, raisins in jam and huge piles of pasta all over the floor. Well, it does if you’re on board a boat in one of those storms. Guess where Vera is? On board a boat in one of those storms.”

That’s actually a classy European album we still have in stock, so you won’t find the review in this section. I’m just saying that the bar isn’t raised much higher here, so you’re probably better off surfing for porn.

– Stephen

Stephen’s Most Scurrilous Reviews are for entertainment purposes only. His views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Page 45, its employees or affiliates, its customers, his business partner, the average person on the street or indeed his ravenous cat. Even his washing machine disowns him.